Bear Grylls’ new show is not about brawn, it’s about finding a hero, we’ve been told. We just know after witnessing Bear sail up in a speed boat and break his way into the This Morning offices at ITV, we’re expecting big things.
We start with an introduction to the celebrities, though most don’t need one. As you might expect, none of them have bothered taking the time out of their busy schedules to prepare for a survival expedition. Kelly’s scared of water. Tom thinks if left alone he could be dead in three hours. Max claims the most extreme environment he’s ever encountered is Salford.
All of them seem to share a disproportional fear of dying during the show. Come on, Bear’s done more than all you guys put together and, admittedly bizarrely, he’s still kicking about.
In the first episode, each of the celebrities have to jump from a helicopter into an algae-covered lake, leaving them to surface looking like, in Vogue’s William’s middle class words “quinoa.” Everything goes according to plan, almost – Jamelia’s freaked and falls spectacularly rather than jumping, and surprisingly, Kelly Holmes is scared of water as well as losing.
Once they reach camp, Bear assures the celebrities they get a nice night in (out?). He’s given them all the materials, tools and food for survival in the rainforest – including brain and heart, which are apparently rather good (we’ll take the celebs’ words on this) – and they just have to survive the night. They manage to set up camp (luckily Vogue has two construction degrees) relight a fire they left to get wet during a downpour, and Jamelia battles a terrifying spider.
Their next challenge is riding horses to their second camp, which proves terrifying for Jamelia, who usually leaves the arduous task of horse-riding to her children. The prospect of jumping on a horse is no trouble for Zara Phillips’ beau Mike Tindall, nor Laurence Fox, and there is banter over whether or not he was able to make the polo team at Harrow.
They reach a new clearing and are tasked with retrieving their food, which is held in sacks in the treetops in typical reality show fashion. Half the celebrities must retrieve the food, and the rest must set up camp. It sounds easy, but here’s where it goes horribly wrong. Kelly and Mike at first make quick work of the sacks, until Mike begins to get tired. Meanwhile, the celebrities attending the camp are more or less useless. Vogue is skinning a young (read = non-flamable) tree branch for the fire, Max doesn’t know how to get the hammocks up, and Jamelia’s fire is just not cooperating.
At the end, there’s an elimination. Except there isn’t. None of the celebrities have proved themselves useless yet, or, if we’re being cynical, the most useless have also been the most entertaining to watch and need to stay on the show. Whatever. We’re rooting for you, Jamelia.
The show is not much like I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here, but everyone will make the comparison. They’re both about abandoning celebrities in the wilderness to see what happens. Oh, and they both make the celebrities eat gross things. But there are key differences: Firstly, Bear is a sympathetic, if hard, mentor. He’s a guy to aspire to, and the celebrities are understandably in awe. It’s a little nicer than Ant and Dec sniggering from the comfort of their hotel. Secondly, the celebrities involved are all strong characters, and it’s obvious none have been brought in with the intention of being disruptive and causing chaos. Gemma Collins probably didn’t get a phone-call about this one. Thirdly, it’s not sensationalist television, because the tasks and skills these celebrities need to survive are sensational in themselves. We’re sure if you gave it three or four series, Mission Survive might get dull and flat, but right now it’s probably the hottest celebrity reality show of the last year. We want to see more.